STD Issue 27

Disabled and differently abled – no really, if they were so “abled” they would realize “abled” is not a word – people are the coolest people to date, because they get into cool places and avoid line ups. Date a disabled or differently abled person as soon as possible. STD crew is a little late – not as late as usual – because it has been taking homely looking bitches with crutches to movies and retarded dudes to Wal-Mart so it can avoid line ups while scoring that easy lay.

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Spank Rock and Benny Blanco
Bangers & Cash

RATING:

In 2007, degrading bitches is hot. Silly bitches who don’t see the humor in treating a bitch like a piece of bubble gum – pop that, pop that, ugh! – don’t get enough cock in their diet. Like Spank Rock raps, “I worked too hard to waste my shit some skinny ass chick with A-cup tits, some anorexic vegan bitch.” Sure, half the bitches from Cloverdale, USA are writing their anti-Bangers & Cash signage, but club bitches who fuck dudes based on their streetwear are bonkers for Bangers & Cash. Listen to “Bitch!” twice and niggas from Cloverdale, USA to Canada will be down to shit on a bitch.

–Kemp Illups

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Matthew Africa
Dirty R&B: The Best of R. Kelly

RATING:

Better than Matthew Africa’s last name is Africa’s ability to catalog hits – rare, old, popular – and on Dirty R&B, Africa lines up 69 nasty R&B burners from the man that sang, “Besides, what they eat don’t make us shit.”

FIVE THINGS TO DO WITH DIRTY R&B:

1. Teach pre-teens how to dance.
2. End a relationship with “Real Talk” in the background.
3. Score a high school musical.
4. Gift the album to a child family member.
5. Go “Half on a Baby” and never call her back.

– Kemp Illups

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Tank
Sex, Love & Pain

RATING:

Tank: the worst name ever for an R&B artist, yet, he has one of the best voices in the game. Seriously, how many ways can you tell a woman you want to have sex with them? Well, Tank comes up with an album full of options as well as the reasons why after sex you’ll probably break up with them, too. The album does prove one fact, though: Tank is pretty shit at keeping a good woman.

– Ben Williams

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Say Anything
In Defense of the Genre

RATING:

These motherfuckers need to be put in an incubator and have that shit turned on high for three months. In Defense of the Genre is a premature album by a mature band – premature ejaculation? – that write lyrics with more angst than a rerun of The O.C.. Fuck, this album sucks. Turn it off! Turn it off! What the fuck?! How are these assholes getting a pile of dizzy twats? Really though, if In Defense of the Genre were really defending its genre, Say Anything would be benchwarmers, if anything.

– Kemp Illups

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Ween
La Cucaracha

RATING:

Ween is so played they make herpes sound inviting. La Cucaracha is a mix of 30-year-old post-grad drinking music and Disney ska music.

FIVE REASONS WEEN NEEDS TO QUIT:

1. Probably make better money with real jobs.
2. All their fans are developing prostate cancer.
3. La Cucaracha has horrible wanna-Pet Shop Boys moments.
4. Only beat cougars will say, “Ween! I love Ween!”
5. Could not think of five reasons, Ween is not worth it.

– Kemp Illups

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The Thrills
Teenager

RATING:

Why the fuck are all these boy bands from Europe trying to cross the Atlantic and be third string acts on The Jimmy Kimmel show, WTF? The Thrills sound like Shout Out Louds, who are good – sort of – but there is no need for Shout Out Louds II, because that is who The Thrills are. Teenager should be titled, Our Ill Wills II, however, Our Ill Wills is better than Teenager and for good reason; Our Ill Wills is original, sort of – ignore The Cure parallel and Shout Out Louds are awesome! Ugh, fuck everything, just buy a best of The Cure album.

– Kemp Illups

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The Pack
Based Boys

RATING:

Why does it feel like The Pack are two steps away from being Black Eyed Peas? Based Boys feels bargain bin in under a year, but so was the entire hyphy movement that moved over to Played, USA. The Japanese will love Based Boys, those people will take anything that sounds space cadet. Advice to The Pack: take your own advice from “In My Car” and drive down the street, but never come back, please.

– Kemp Illups

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Jeru The Damaja
Still Rising

RATING:

Someone has to put this nigga on a time out. Sorry Jeru, you’re not a prophet. Jeru, you’re Captain Obvious: yes, bitches are materialistic; yes, money rules the world; yes, the poor die early; yes, American health care sucks; yes, yes, yes – jerk off. It’s funny how Jeru raps about money bagging hos, because one stop on his MySpace and it is clear dude loves them: look at Jeru’s top billion and see all that jacked up ass. Sorry Jeru, your mind sprayed, it just never grew wiser – Still Rising, but your battleship is sunk.

– Kemp Illups

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Shoot ‘Em Up

RATING:

Shoot `Em Up is about guns, big ones, little ones and others in between. As the title would have probably suggested – just like Snakes On A Plane – it does what it says on the poster.

This film could work on two levels, take it serious and think that its post modern action rubbish or sit back and realize that it’s one of the most entertaining films of the year. The plot is light, but manages to keep you thinking long enough; a loner called Mr. Smith (Clive Owen) helps a pregnant woman in distress only to cross psycho bad guy Hertz (Paul Giamatti) and get embroiled in a political scandal involving a presidential candidate.

It’s all out action from about the fourth minute, a gun fight during the birth of a baby, a gun fight at a brothel, a gun fight during sex and a gun fight during a free fall from a plane. Throw in a lactating hooker (Monica Bellucci) and a close up of a man getting killed with a carrot, and it’s safe to say that Shoot `Em Up is an action junkie’s wet dream.

So what if its far fetched and over the top, that’s not the point, it’s the stylish way that it’s made to look far fetched and over the top that makes the film so enjoyable as well as the number of laugh out loud moments during the short running of time 89 minutes.

There are some attempts of character development which fill in a few blanks and provides the viewer with a few answers, but hey that just slows down all the action and those gun fights.

– Ben Williams

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