The STD crew has been on vacation for a while. Well, no one went on vacation, actually. In fact, no one made it 30 blocks past their front door (except Kemp Illups, he needed to hit some fixed-gear bicyclists with his pickup truck) because everyone in the STD crew is too fucked up to comprehend Velcro, let alone a transit map. But six weeks later, the STD crew is back to explain why Parisians are whore-mongers and why Kanye West fans are gaylords.

50 Cent
Curtis

TOP EIGHT REASONS 50 IS A GAYLORD:

8. Have you seen that nigga’s abs?
7. 50’s the only man in Hollywood who has not taken sexual advantage of drunken Britney Spears.
6. Something, something, Cam’Ron – no homo.
5. Have you seen that nigga’s eyebrows?
4. Vitamin Water.
3. Remember 50’s photos from GQ Magazine – exactly.
2. 50’s protégé is named Hot Rod.
1. STOP DRY SNITCHING!

–Kemp Illups

We Are Wolves
Total Magique

American douche bags say, “You’re a Canadian, eh!? Eh!” as if the Canadian pastime is grunting broken English like fucking cave-people. We Are Wolves says, “Fuck ‘eh’ saying Americans and their petite canines.” Well, that may not be true, as, sometimes, We Are Wolves sing in French – for all English speaking Americans know, We Are Wolves may be reading the ingredients from a box of Tide. All the same, American girls love this Montreal group for their oh-so-cute accents and their nonlinear fashion. Ugh, Total Magique, totally, dude!

– Paxil Smarts

Arctic Monkeys
Favourite Worst Nightmare

Surely the best ever band to come out of England since the Beatles, well maybe not, but they played on the Jimmy Kimmel Live show so that has to be a good thing. Whether the audience understood any of their lyrics is open to debate, but they are from the steel city of Sheffield, so they can be forgiven that.

– Ben Williams

Liars
Liars

To non-Los Angeles residents, the city is douchy: smog; whores; gangs; taco stands; Magic Johnson; Hollywood; American Apparel; and pornography, just to name a few! But the city is not all fixed-gear bikes and shitty graffiti – there is rock music, too! Lairs Liars dispel the city’s douche-isms with kick ass rock on their self-titled album. Listen to “Protection” four times, tap a Polish woman’s head twice, shotgun two Canadian beers and Mike Mills will appear.

– Beef Curtains

Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings
100 Days, 100 Nights

Firstly, fuck Mark Ronson for swagger jacking the Dap Kings from Sharon Jones for that pickle eating ho, Amy Winehouse – someone had to say it, again and again. 100 Days, 100 Nights is yesteryear’s soul music, today! It is amazing that so much soul exists in a woman that is five-foot-nothing. 100 Days, 100 Nights is truly unique for its funky gospels, a rarity in 1960, let alone 2007. The conviction in Jones’ lyrics and powerful vocals – vocals that make people shiver – makes Jones the undisputed champion of soul music 2007. In a fist fight, well, look out Amy Winehouse – pickle bagger!

–Kemp Illups

Kanye West
Graduation

TOP EIGHT REASONS KANYE WEST FANS ARE GAYLORDS:

8. Kanye fans were, at some point in time, Will Smith fans.
7. Kanye fans are too naive to pick up on all the trends Kanye bites.
6. Kanye fans wear Abercrombie and Fitch.
5. Kanye fans are too Kanye-gaga to realize he cannot rhyme.
4. Kanye fans are too drunk to realize that “Drunk And Hot Girls” is about them.
3. Kanye fans think Takashi Murakami is a city in Japan.
2. Kanye fans are two years away from graduation – high school graduation.
1. Kanye fans often think Kenya was named after Kanye.

–Kemp Illups

Knocked Up

Some movies have stories that are so far fetched it’s hard to like them. Knocked Up has one of those stories, but for some reason it just work, think 40 Year Old Virgin spliced with Three Men and a Baby, it’s hilarious with a bit of true to life edge.

The film finds slacker, stoner and general lay-about, Ben Stone (Seth Rogen), and television personality, Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl), having a one night stand and conceiving a baby after she goes out to a club to celebrate her big new promotion. The fact that she keeps the baby and also wants to make a go of things with Ben makes things seem a little too perfect, but there are some genuine emotional moments that really make this movie stand out. The fact that Alison seems to be contemplating a termination before seeing a scan of the embryo brings an air of realness to it. Realizing he’s going to be a dad, Ben tries his best to become a new man and leaves his drug addled, slightly weird but very funny friends behind. This helps to flesh out the film as well as the characters and help to make it a more rounded film, although it does add to the running time especially towards the end.

Knocked Up may be termed as the funniest adult comedy for years, but Knocked Up provides the laughs, as well the drama to be the major surprise of the year.

– Ben Williams

2 Days In Paris

Is Adam Goldberg’s character, Jack, a neurotic American boyfriend or is Julie Deply’s character, Marion, a Parisian whore who confirms Jack’s jealous suspicions? Wait a minute, 2 Days In Paris is larger than two New Yorkers in a two-year relationship who take their summer vacation in Italy and return to Paris for a two day layover; 2 Days In Paris is a sociopolitical evaluation into why George Bush fed hot dogs and hamburgers to France’s President, Nicolas Sarkozy – a presidency that may mark the end of the American Empire. Or, wait, is 2 Days In Paris really about ordering fast foot in Paris: “No English? Ugh, moo, moo,” mimic shotgun sounds, “double,” says Jack who ultimately has to point at a photo to get what he wants. (Note: Jack was not impressed when Marion’s father, Jeannot, fed him baby rabbit.)

What Jack wants is for Marion’s ex-boyfriends to stop groping her with sexy, sexy French words that may be innocent, but for all Jack knows, these rude French men are talking about fingering her and it is drive Jack in-fucking-sane!

The beauty of 2 Days In Paris are the definitions of what is socially expectable when two cultures collide: Marion’s parents (played by Deply’s real parents) have threesomes; Marion’s father creates crass, boarder line pornographic paintings; and Marion’s ex-boyfriend, Manu, invites himself to stay in Jack’s New York apartment, after telling Jack he was Marion’s first sexual partner.

Thomas Appleton said it best, “Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.”

The self-actualization of Jack and Marion’s relationship sadly grips emotions – think after being dumped by “the one” – in a whirlwind of he said, she said arguments that are too real for the American romantic comedy formula.

Bottom line: Deply’s directorial debut may be her slept on masterpiece.

– Kemp Illups