STD Issue 22

After not placing in Tour de France, the STD: Save That Dollar crew hangs up its gay-looking competitive bicycle clothing and retires its fixed-gear bicycles to ejaculate its opinions on naïve consumers. In other news, the STD crew will not ride their fixed-gear, vegan friendly bicycles throughout Beijing to, ultimately, free Tibet. Inhaling thick, polluted air to liberate a country with a leader that believes he is a llama is ludicrous and stupid. A capitalistic China is great, well, when those communist bastards are not poisoning American children with shoddy toys.

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Donnie
The Daily News

RATING:

Donnie surely is the only artist that can make tracks called “Suicide” and “Atlanta Child Murders” and have the songs sound like funk records. Although he doesn’t have the greatest voice, he does have a certain passion, an almost gospel sounding quality. It takes a very brave artist to produce an R&B record and not have it flooded with love songs, for that Donnie must be applauded.

– Ben Williams

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Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals
Lifeline

RATING:

The coolest thing about Ben Harper is his rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner” in Cleveland, before Game 3 of the 2007 NBA Finals. Other than his NBA clout, Ben Harper is an ashy dude with a played rhythm section and really bad hair. But lesbians and naïve post-secondary students enjoy Ben Harper. He may be on to something: introducing old sounds to new people.

– Diego Fiesta

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Blu & Exile
Below The Heavens

RATING:

It’s amazing how an artist, nine times out of ten, manages to produce their best work on a debut album. This effort from rap newcomer, Blu, may prove to be his Beautiful Struggle, only time will tell, but Below The Heavens is an offering that has an air of classic to it..

– Ben Williams

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Caribou
Andorra

RATING:

Seeing Caribou live is like allowing a StairMaster to accost an obese person; lots of sweat and emotions, but, ultimately, the experiences are rewarding. Andorra is the same psychedelic, earthy percussion rock that The Milk of Human Kindness commanded, however, this time, Caribou makes songs about women (“Desiree,” “Eli,” “Irene” and “Sandy”). Andorra sounds like caribous mounting antelopes – deep, wet, hot, sticky, raw.

– Kemp Illups

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Rilo Kiley
Under The Blacklight

RATING:

Confused 20-something-year-old women and their hetero-homo male counterparts will enjoy Under The Blacklight for its mundane, lesbianesque four-piece rock and topical lyrics that scratch subject matter that a of Sex and the City rerun commits to. On “Breakin’ Up,” Jenny Lewis sings, “Are we breaking up?’ Rilo Kiley and what’s in vogue broke up four years ago and Under The Blacklight is a pity fuck for a sorry ex.

– Toni Kukoc

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Aesop Rock
None Shall Pass

RATING:

Someone needs to smack the shit out of Aesop Rock so he falls off the fucking cliff that was quasi-popular rap in 1998, because this sonofabitch is played like his dirty teenager beard. However, Aesop Rock is one of the few relevant rappers that can rap a story, so if rap fables can float a fan boat then Aesop Rock’s battleship is not sunk, yet.

– Kemp Illups

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M.I.A.
Kala

RATING:

Wow! No wonder Diplo is grinding M.I.A.! She’s more consistent than a menstrual cycle! Kala is on a tribal club vibe that is likely to make American girls pop, drop and lock it as make Sri Lankan terrorists lock, cock and shot it. No wonder the American government hates M.I.A.; the fucking terrorists make amazing music!

– Kemp Illups

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Rush Hour 3

RATING:

Wow, almost ten years since the first Rush Hour was released, Jackie Chan was 44 and Chris Tucker was the future king of comedy, how time is funny! To many people, Chris Tucker is now that annoying Eddie Murphy impersonator and Jackie Chan, at 53, is past his best, however, Rush Hour 3 is not the mess that many people would have you believe it is. Rush Hour 3 not brilliant and, yes, Jackie is showing his age and, yes, Tucker never shuts up, but it’s still a very entertaining film albeit a lazily made one.

The plot has Tucker & Chan heading off of to gay Pariś to uncover a Triad gang after Chan’s boss is gunned down during a conference. This is where the laziness is apparent; Rush Hour 3 takes it plot from both Rush Hour films previous (even more so from the first after what happens later on in the film), all three films have plots that revolve around the Triad’s (and they wonder why they banned the movie in China).

The film has some genuinely funny moments mainly through Tucker’s performance even if Chan gets a few more laughs this time around, while there are some strong action set pieces especially during the climax. This is a typical brain on pause film.

– Ben Williams

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Skinema
Chris Nieratko

RATING:

When I was 17 and a senior in high school, three freshman boys came up to me at lunch and were like, “We saw your pictures! We saw them! With the stuffed animals.” And I’m like, “What?” and shrugged it off, right? What the hell were these weirdo boys talking about? The next day, Steven, one of the boys, and my neighbor, knocked on my door. He had torn pages of porn in his hands, ripped from some awful magazine like Lollipops or Buttman, or something along those lines. And there I was. “See?” he says, as he held them out to me. Seriously. This girl had my face. My exact face. Christ, she even had my 17-year-old tits. My exact tits.

Fast forward five years and I’m working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. My general manager comes in and says, “You have to see this!” He sits me down, opens his laptop and plays rough-and-tumble, double-penetration pornography. There she is, again. This time, like me, she has 22-year-old tits and dyed her hair black. Same face and same tits, all over, again! And you know what? Same voice. Well, same voice if I said things like “Plunder me, big boy,” in between double-pen grunting.

To this day, I’ve always wanted to know her name. I think it’d be a funny trick to send her videos to my grandparents, my dad, any unfortunate ex-boyfriend with a little note that reads, “Look what you’ve helped me become.” Like a greeting card, perhaps those personalized Christmas cards or an e-greeting on Valentine’s Day, even.

If anyone would know her name, it’d be Chris Nieratko. Hell, he spends nearly 300 pages describing women who do say, “Plunder me, big boy,” more than twice a film. I’d fully write him a letter and ask him, but as the intros to Skinema mention over and over and over, again, and each page of the writer’s work confirms: Nieratko is a complete asshole. He probably wouldn’t give me the time of day.

– Auriane de Rudder

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