STD Issue 21

La, la, la STD: Save That Dollar, yet again, is saving wayward purchasers from the embarrassment of feeling sour by way of bad purchases. Format shares the American Republican Party’s strategy on illegal immigration at the U.S. and Mexico boarder, however, Format is not cruel like the GOP – erecting walls between people; patrolling the weak; assaulting offenders; and detaining children is A-OK, but, please, Format’s execution of the strategy will only affect douchy purchasers. Mexicans, welcome to Format, land of the junk food culture! Douchy purchasers, welcome to Format’s illegal taser gun!


Architecture In Helsinki
Places Like This


The disheartening flaw of Places Like This is AIH’s happiness, which, at times, is boarder line Disney, white-kid-ska music happy – Vicodin cannot match AIH’s happiness. Four months ago, playboy DJ, A-Trak, edits AIH’s “Heart It Races” and club kids are go crazy for a single that sounds like the Little Mermaid and the Lion King soundtracks are having unprotected sex. Now, L.A. trannies will have a soundtrack for bumps, washroom encounters and rage-outs; in 25 years, Places Like This will be filed under world music.

– Kemp Illups


Because I Love It


Don’t feel douchy for enjoying Amerie’s Because I Love It. Firstly, Amerie is the finest woman on Earth. Secondly, Amerie can sing better than that over-hyped, skinny hack from Dreamgirls. Thirdly, there are enough `80s through `90s pop-R&B clichés on Because I Love It to revive the A Different World cast’s careers.

– Kelvin Drexler




The apostrophe lingering between a decade in numeric form and an “S” is a grammar eyesore, fortunately, 1990s understand: 1990s, `90s or, if writing for The New Yorker, nineteen-nineties. Polishing Lou Reed witticisms, harmonizing vocals and executing happy three-piece rock is Cookies, in a nutshell. Parvenus who are 30-something-years-old will love Cookies on their iPod-aided excursions to Banana Republic.

– Kemp Illups


Keith Murray


Rap’s original bad boy, Keith Murray, returns to prove that older heads can still rap, albeit without any kind of positive message. For a man who has his fair share of personal problems it would have been nice to hear a little more about that, but if listeners want to hear someone telling them they can rap circles around rappers (which he can and over Erick Sermon beats, too) while threatening to kill you with a baseball bat, this is the album for them.

– Ben Williams


Junior Senior
Hey Hey My My Yo Yo w/ Say Hello, Wave Goodbye EP


Ugh, the annoying cries “Can I get, get, get to know you better, baby” by Junior Senior will make any sensible U. S. of American say, “Can I get, get, get this douchy, Danish duo’s passports revoked?!” The disinformed say Europeans are leaps and bounds ahead of Americans, however, Junior Senior recycles popular `80s Americana faster than streetwear recycles Nike designs. Hey Hey My My Yo Yo w/ Say Hello, Wave Goodbye EP should have this warning label: “YOU’RE A DOUCHY MARK.”

– Brian Founder


The Simpsons Movie


Simpsons fans rejoice! After what seems like 30 television series and endless rumors, Homer, family and endless friends make their big screen debut, in what has to be the most anticipated film of the year.

Films that are as hyped as The Simpsons Movie often fail to live up to their hype, something that The Simpsons Movie doesn’t really do. The team of eleven original writers cranks out the jokes at a consistent rate with only a few laughs going astray and somehow they manage to keep to the true essence of the show over an expanded running time of 87 minutes.

The plot sees Springfield contained by the American government after Homer accidentally pollutes Springfield’s water supply, turning the family’s friends into there enemies, and forcing them to escape. The plot manages to mirror real life with constant talk of climate change. Also, there is a distinct political undertone that The Simpsons are especially famous for. The true star of the show is Homer who’s every action is comical. There are a few grumbles, less Simpsons and more friends would have been nice, but it is still the funniest film of the year and that is what truly counts.

– Ben Williams


Dear Diary
Leslie Arfin


Being a teenager fucking sucks. Duh!

Dear Diary author, Leslie Arfin, has written an entire book on her awkward adolescence, peppering pages with delightfully shallow ramblings of “Barfin’ Arfin,” as told through her own angsty diary entries. A spin-off her Vice Magazine column of the same name, Dear Diary begs its readers to identify an appropriate audience for the book – is it written as a guide for struggling teens; is it meant to appeal to adults who also experimented their way through teenage hell; or is the book just Arfin’s insecurity rising all over again, forcing her to rehash her past for personal vindication?

Interviewing schoolmates, ex-boyfriends and her father, even, Arfin tries to dissect her adolescent entries, but fails to pull any genuine response from the people she tracks down. Each interview drags like a boring Jenny Jones “You Used to Tease me and Now I’m Hot,” episode, where a confrontation and discussion of the cruelty inflicted on Arfin is replaced by muted apologies and confusion.

However vague it may be, Arfin’s book has its nostalgic moments. I nearly spit soda across the cafeteria when Arfin’s July 1998 diary entry described a “really cool Breakbeat Science t-shirt…the one that says DRUM AND BASS FOR A FUCKED UP PLACE.” And Arfin’s accurate description of heroin use as not “ten thousand orgasms,” like so many less articulate junkies have put in the past, but as feeling like a “melted candle or a poured drink,” was refreshing. Arfin pokes fun at the lameness of being a complacent addict when she writes: “You could live with Courtney Love and 16 orphans in Oakland in the winter with hemorrhoids and nothing on TV but endless episodes of Mad About You and you’d be all ‘I could get used to this.'” At least she’s funny, right? When Arfin gets fingered for the first time, she describes her boyfriend’s fingers as too big for her “pre-teen pussy,” tossing in a dirty word to mimic the gross feeling girls experience after their first awkward invasions.

Chloe Sevigny, who wrote the intro to the novel, mentioned that both Arfin and she “Narrowly escaped getting lost in the wrong crowd during our ‘bad girl’ phase.” Perhaps, had Arfin not escaped, or not just been in a phase, the read would have had more impact.

A side-note – who the fuck cares about Chloe Sevigny? Gawd.

– Auriane de Rudder


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