STD Issue 20

Another depressing edition of STD from the Format family. Some of us at the office are beginning to question the reason for this sections existence – if you haven’t been paying attention, we’ve yet to seriously recommend one album, save Pharoahe’s recent effort, and there was even debate over that release receiving a four. So, enjoy, and bask in our bath of mediocrity (our new secretary, Dee Lite, was the last one to use it, and she’s been growing a cold sore since she got here, so be careful while you’re at it) and if you’re up on the illness we’re missing, don’t hesitate to leave a comment and let us know.

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Common
Finding Forever

RATING:

This douche bag is on television far too much. Common sits beside the evil Russell Simmons, a man that built a fortune off the word nigger, on Oprah and the 30-something-year-olds are go crazy for the same douche bag that sells Gap clothing. Writing Common’s rhymes is easy as reading The New York Times: war, check; poverty, check; capitalism, check; disease, check; and politics, double-check. This douche bag should spend less time making movies with that other douche bag, Ben Affleck – Smokin’ Aces, ugh.

– Kemp Illups

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Freekey Zekey
Book of Ezekiel

RATING:

The problem with public perception and Freekey Zekey is much like the perception of Joe Pesci; yes, Pesci is Nicky Santoro in Casino, but Pesci sits in a boat next to Danny Glover in Gone Fishin’, too. Forget that Zekey is a drug-trafficking, ex-con who built Diplomat Records on his back (ecstasy) – the man can rap a grip, too (for a Dipset rapper). Book Of Ezekiel is worth the two-plus-year wait that Zekey spent in prison. Another fine Durham Correctional Center production!

– Kemp Illups

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Unkle
War Stories

RATING:

War Stories sounds like the late-`90s when minimal electronic music made second-year post-secondary students appear unique – shit, that is what Unkle is, duh!. Once, I pissed in a Head and Shoulders bottle at a house party filled with cunts that said Unkle’s first album, Pysence Fiction, is the greatest album known to man. Maybe at a small university pub in Bristol, Unkle is king puffer, but in the good old U.S of America, Lil’ Wayne deep fries these fish in a second. War Stories, sure, more like Harry Potter.

– Kemp Illups

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Tegan and Sara
The Con

RATING:

It’s official, Tegan and Sara sound like apathetic, 20-something-year-old girls who know nothing about everything. The only con on The Con is the notion of personal maturity, it’s OK, though, who wants a 20-something-year-old girl that won’t drink a bottle of Grey Goose, fuck the closest penis (or vagina) near them and feel bitter about their choices the day after?

– Kemp Illups

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Sum 41
Underclass Hero

RATING:

Little sisters will love Underclass Hero, but the rest of the world will be too busy drinking Starbucks, feeding kittens and reading The New Yorker to bother questioning their better judgment by asking themselves, WHO THE FUCK CARES? Somebody’s little sister cares, but who listens to that bitch anyway?

– Kemp Illups

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Shrek The Third
Dir. by Chris Miller

RATING:

Now we all know sequels, prequels and threequels are not very good, bar a few classic exceptions (you know what they are), sadly Shrek the Third is not one of them. It’s not a bad film by any means and is probably slightly better (due to lack of any real buzz) than other big name movies, not mentioning any names – Spiderman 3 and Fantastic 4 Rise of the Silver Surfer. The thing is that the film lacks any sort of freshness, it is similar to both Shrek 1 and 2 but without the charm, wit and occasional surprise.

The plot seems loose and awkward at times, with Shrek, Donkey (still a very funny Eddie Murphy) and Puss (very much a bit part role, sadly) having to set off to find a new King for Far Far Away, leaving Princess Fiona holding the fort giving the smarmy Prince Charming the chance to launch a hostile fairytale villain takeover. There are some very funny moments including a ‘life flashing before his eyes’ scene for the Gingerbread Man, sadly those moments are spread too thinly. It looks beautiful and the kids will love it, but if you’re an adult and fan of the previous two films then most likely you’ll find this as more of the same.

– Ben Willaims

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11 comments

  1. matt wiseman says:

    I’m not sure who I’m writing this to, either Kemp Illups or Smokin’ Aces, but I hope that they recieve it.

    This section is dumb. The word douche bag used to describe common is a pathetic attempt to be funny. If only your writing skills and career were as established a Common’s. Unfortunately for you, we all get to read this article and now have proof that it is not even close.

  2. Matt, I got your back on this one….On everything, hmmm….let’s see, where do I even start?? I guess I’ll start with a humble spirit, and build the momentum from there…. I have to love people like you because of your lack of…damn near everything….which is chiefly, but not the only of reasons why I do what I do. Quite frankly I’m ashamed that your shit is even up there — who allowed this??

    Rule #1: This game here and douche bag don’t mix. It is like oil and water. It’s like Malibu’s Most Wanted, but 10 times worse. It makes people respect Jessica Simpson for saying that tuna is chicken, and even more, it gives Flavor of Love’s Buckwild a heightened sense of credibility.

    Rule #2: Get your facts straight. In a collective sense, Russell has paid his dues in the long career that he has had in creating opportunities and paving the way for so many of Hip Hop’s greatest. The lastest buzz attributed to Russell in his controversial remarks of censorship within Hip Hop does make room for a good debate, but nevertheless does not give reason to hold an excommunicative spirit towards Russell and his contributions. So don’t hype yourself up even if you did peep him in XXL’s lastest issue. Do your research.

    Rule #3: Stand by what you say. You’ve got some hot shit coming back to you because first, being opinionated means to have a clear reason in supporting your judgments. You have neither — and what you did write is so fabricated beyond the truth that I could go through an ounce by myself and you’d still blow my high. So if you’re gonna use the word douche bag and then check Common for promoting the Gap brand, you don’t seem like you’re too far from the gap of rockin’ the shit yourself.

    Beyond the reasonable doubt, as much as my statements hold weight, they are factual so if you want to mistake them for being biased over giving respect where respect is due, then that’s on you. I think I speak for everyone who repects Common’s work in saying that vanity is far from Common’s door, and the shit is inspiring no matter how many issues he covers, perpetually. Write it down and take a picture, cause I give a fuck.

  3. Douglas Haddow says:

    damn y’all is for real with your e-pinions and shit. Can’t a brother just kick it all ign-nint once and a while? ain’t it fresh just to blaze crazy dumb in the face of opressive social cues and scientific logic every now and then?

    like, nahmsaying, like, insulting a man’s shorty, chugging his whiskey and stealing his smokes just for the fuck of it?

    isn’t there any poeticism left in being “that guy” ?

    come on now, props to blatant disrespect.

    R.I.P. Charles Bukowskie & Hunter S. Thompson

  4. lmfao, that Common review is causing a lot of heat. One thing about this section is the fact that there have been no positive reviews (bar one or two). I mean you can be comical without hating the music or artist. For me the common album is worth at least 4 rings & at aleast a semi-positive review.

    And JC there is no way the Format Fam can think about shutting this section down, I got more reviews to come, and Kemp might stop hating soon.

    PS: Good people, any feedback on the Shrek review??

    GB

  5. Common’s album is dope. Plain and simp. Or maybe you rather here a nigga nigga die album. seems like thats what you white bread mofos like anyway.

  6. How can you dis Common with a name like Kemp. Fuck outta here. I bet you have three copies at home! yur just wishing that you could have been the dude that Common shook hands with in “the people” video. Hating takes up a lot more thought and energy than giving a hearty hand shake for a job well done.

  7. Man I am reading all the comments left on the Common subject and it hurts my feelings to know that people still are hatin on him, he didnt do anything but live and try to bring good words as well as good music to hip hop, at least he isnt on trial for anything, lol well humans fear what they do not understand and hate what they fear! living proof!! Common you keep on doing what you do, your doing something right cause you have the haters going!! I know I would like to meet you! To ALL haters get a real job!

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