STD Issue 53

We’re still ridin’ high from President-elect Barack Obama’s historic election. In that vein, we’ve decided to do a “BATTLE OF THE 40oz” issue. Genius, right? We figured that you would be partying all year long (as you should be), and what better way than to do it on a budget? Sure a 40 isn’t the most respectable drink, but in these harsh economic times, you’ll be glad we put you up on game. The list is bullet proof—from Steel Reserve to Old English, we have it all; even the cult classic Colt 45 made the list. All jokes aside: Drink responsibly kids. Well, get started already!

Bud Light
Alcohol: 4.2% | Price: $3

RATING:

Yeah, it’s just regular Bud Light, but what about those nights when you don’t have the time or the money to go to the grocery store for a six or twelve pack? There’s nothing like dropping three bucks on a 40 oz. of good old fashioned American brew to achieve that desired buzz. You know…the buzz where you’re sober enough to drive straight, but if the police were to pull you over and ask you questions you’re pretty much screwed.

-A. Hugh Leonard

211 Steel Reserve
Alcohol: 8.1% | Price: $2

RATING:

211 is the police code for robbery (that should be common knowledge to all you lawbreakers out there). 211 is also the code for “I’ve lost all feeling on my right side after downing a few Steel Reserves!” These beers should be sold with a video disclaimer that shows the side effects of drinking too many. At over 8% alcohol per bottle it should be in your best interest to save these for the weekend…the weekend when you’ve given up on doing anything productive with your life for the next 36 hours.

-A. Hugh Leonard

Crazy Stallion
Alcohol: 5.9% | Price: $1.75

RATING:

Don’t let the name fool you, taste-wise Crazy Stallion isn’t as wild as it sounds. Aside from drinking straight beer, this is one of the smoothest 40 oz. on the market. The smooth taste is what often gets you in trouble though because it will sneak up on you in an instant. One minute you’re partying hard and the next you’re gripping the toilet like rosary beads. They call it Crazy Stallion, but your head will be riding the non-stopped Bucking Bronco if you’re not careful with this one.

-A. Hugh Leonard

Miller High Life
Alcohol: 5.0% | Price: $1.25

RATING:

Everyone has seen those High Life commercials where the Miller workers come to the classy events and overpriced stores and revoke their High Life privileges. Imagine something like that going down at your local corner store. Boxes of 40’s aren’t as likely to walk out of the door uncontested when there’s a double barrel shotgun resting behind the counter.

– A. Hugh Leonard

Schlitz Red Bull
Alcohol: 5.9% | Price: $2

RATING:

Not to be confused with the energy drink, Schlitz Red Bull gives you anything but wings. The only way you’ll fly after drinking this is if you begin to hallucenate (which is very possible if you down too many of these). No need for alarm though. When done in moderation, this is one of the tastiest 40’s on the market. Just don’t expect to be ready to drive long distances or play contact sports after consumption.

-A. Hugh Leonard

Old English
Alcohol: 7.5% | Price: $2.75

RATING:

This is the quintessential 40 ounce. It’s been rapped about, argued over, and even brightened a couple lives (ok, maybe more than a few) over the course of its prolific career. A few pointers: Consumed best when covered in a brown paper bag while sitting on the stoop/ porch. Rapper The Game sums it up best, “Drinkin’ out a brown paper bag on my first drive-by/ I was a menace to society/ But I never left finger prints on my Old English.” Yessir.

– Jay Wonder

St. Ides
Alcohol: 8.2% | Price: $1.79

RATING:

Get the “High Gravity” version. It will having you on cloud nine all night. And when you do come down (days later?), at least you will have only spent $1.79 on it all. Whose says cheap thrills don’t pay off. At 8.2%, you’ll definitely be the life of the party. L,chaim!

– Jay Wonder

Colt 45
Alcohol: 5.6% | Price: $2

RATING:

This is the baby that started it all. Every 40 on this list owes its success to this cold b***h right here—Colt 45. She’s the perfect balance between hood and middle class America, street prostitute and soccer mom. Colt 45 is a vet in the game. Who else has held you down summer after summer? Colt 45 is the Jay-Z of the 40 game. Act like you know an OG when you see one. Respect.

-Lacey Duvalle

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