The STD crew has been on vacation for a while. Well, no one went on vacation, actually. In fact, no one made it 30 blocks past their front door (except Kemp Illups, he needed to hit some fixed-gear bicyclists with his pickup truck) because everyone in the STD crew is too fucked up to comprehend Velcro, let alone a transit map. But six weeks later, the STD crew is back to explain why Parisians are whore-mongers and why Kanye West fans are gaylords.
TOP EIGHT REASONS 50 IS A GAYLORD:
8. Have you seen that niggaâ€™s abs?
7. 50â€™s the only man in Hollywood who has not taken sexual advantage of drunken Britney Spears.
6. Something, something, Camâ€™Ron â€“ no homo.
5. Have you seen that niggaâ€™s eyebrows?
4. Vitamin Water.
3. Remember 50â€™s photos from GQ Magazine â€“ exactly.
2. 50â€™s protÃ©gÃ© is named Hot Rod.
1. STOP DRY SNITCHING!
We Are Wolves
American douche bags say, â€œYouâ€™re a Canadian, eh!? Eh!â€ as if the Canadian pastime is grunting broken English like fucking cave-people. We Are Wolves says, â€œFuck â€˜ehâ€™ saying Americans and their petite canines.â€ Well, that may not be true, as, sometimes, We Are Wolves sing in French â€“ for all English speaking Americans know, We Are Wolves may be reading the ingredients from a box of Tide. All the same, American girls love this Montreal group for their oh-so-cute accents and their nonlinear fashion. Ugh, Total Magique, totally, dude!
â€“ Paxil Smarts
Favourite Worst Nightmare
Surely the best ever band to come out of England since the Beatles, well maybe not, but they played on the Jimmy Kimmel Live show so that has to be a good thing. Whether the audience understood any of their lyrics is open to debate, but they are from the steel city of Sheffield, so they can be forgiven that.
– Ben Williams
To non-Los Angeles residents, the city is douchy: smog; whores; gangs; taco stands; Magic Johnson; Hollywood; American Apparel; and pornography, just to name a few! But the city is not all fixed-gear bikes and shitty graffiti â€“ there is rock music, too!
Lairs Liars dispel the cityâ€™s douche-isms with kick ass rock on their self-titled album. Listen to â€œProtectionâ€ four times, tap a Polish womanâ€™s head twice, shotgun two Canadian beers and Mike Mills will appear.
â€“ Beef Curtains
Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings
100 Days, 100 Nights
Firstly, fuck Mark Ronson for swagger jacking the Dap Kings from Sharon Jones for that pickle eating ho, Amy Winehouse â€“ someone had to say it, again and again. 100 Days, 100 Nights is yesteryearâ€™s soul music, today! It is amazing that so much soul exists in a woman that is five-foot-nothing. 100 Days, 100 Nights is truly unique for its funky gospels, a rarity in 1960, let alone 2007. The conviction in Jonesâ€™ lyrics and powerful vocals â€“ vocals that make people shiver â€“ makes Jones the undisputed champion of soul music 2007. In a fist fight, well, look out Amy Winehouse â€“ pickle bagger!
TOP EIGHT REASONS KANYE WEST FANS ARE GAYLORDS:
8. Kanye fans were, at some point in time, Will Smith fans.
7. Kanye fans are too naive to pick up on all the trends Kanye bites.
6. Kanye fans wear Abercrombie and Fitch.
5. Kanye fans are too Kanye-gaga to realize he cannot rhyme.
4. Kanye fans are too drunk to realize that â€œDrunk And Hot Girlsâ€ is about them.
3. Kanye fans think Takashi Murakami is a city in Japan.
2. Kanye fans are two years away from graduation â€“ high school graduation.
1. Kanye fans often think Kenya was named after Kanye.
Some movies have stories that are so far fetched itâ€™s hard to like them. Knocked Up has one of those stories, but for some reason it just work, think 40 Year Old Virgin spliced with Three Men and a Baby, itâ€™s hilarious with a bit of true to life edge.
The film finds slacker, stoner and general lay-about, Ben Stone (Seth Rogen), and television personality, Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl), having a one night stand and conceiving a baby after she goes out to a club to celebrate her big new promotion. The fact that she keeps the baby and also wants to make a go of things with Ben makes things seem a little too perfect, but there are some genuine emotional moments that really make this movie stand out. The fact that Alison seems to be contemplating a termination before seeing a scan of the embryo brings an air of realness to it. Realizing heâ€™s going to be a dad, Ben tries his best to become a new man and leaves his drug addled, slightly weird but very funny friends behind. This helps to flesh out the film as well as the characters and help to make it a more rounded film, although it does add to the running time especially towards the end.
Knocked Up may be termed as the funniest adult comedy for years, but Knocked Up provides the laughs, as well the drama to be the major surprise of the year.
– Ben Williams
2 Days In Paris
Is Adam Goldbergâ€™s character, Jack, a neurotic American boyfriend or is Julie Deplyâ€™s character, Marion, a Parisian whore who confirms Jackâ€™s jealous suspicions? Wait a minute, 2 Days In Paris is larger than two New Yorkers in a two-year relationship who take their summer vacation in Italy and return to Paris for a two day layover; 2 Days In Paris is a sociopolitical evaluation into why George Bush fed hot dogs and hamburgers to Franceâ€™s President, Nicolas Sarkozy â€“ a presidency that may mark the end of the American Empire. Or, wait, is 2 Days In Paris really about ordering fast foot in Paris: â€œNo English? Ugh, moo, moo,â€ mimic shotgun sounds, â€œdouble,â€ says Jack who ultimately has to point at a photo to get what he wants. (Note: Jack was not impressed when Marionâ€™s father, Jeannot, fed him baby rabbit.)
What Jack wants is for Marionâ€™s ex-boyfriends to stop groping her with sexy, sexy French words that may be innocent, but for all Jack knows, these rude French men are talking about fingering her and it is drive Jack in-fucking-sane!
The beauty of 2 Days In Paris are the definitions of what is socially expectable when two cultures collide: Marionâ€™s parents (played by Deplyâ€™s real parents) have threesomes; Marionâ€™s father creates crass, boarder line pornographic paintings; and Marionâ€™s ex-boyfriend, Manu, invites himself to stay in Jackâ€™s New York apartment, after telling Jack he was Marionâ€™s first sexual partner.
Thomas Appleton said it best, â€œGood Americans, when they die, go to Paris.â€
The self-actualization of Jack and Marionâ€™s relationship sadly grips emotions â€“ think after being dumped by â€œthe oneâ€ â€“ in a whirlwind of he said, she said arguments that are too real for the American romantic comedy formula.
Bottom line: Deplyâ€™s directorial debut may be her slept on masterpiece.
– Kemp Illups