Bad candy.Â We have all opened our bags after a long night of trick or treating and found it. The generic black and orange wrapped taffies, candied apples, the giant pumpkin sized pieces of candy corn, and versions of junk food that should never be pumpkin flavored. Our first time around, we might bite into these unusual sweets and give them a try, quickly spitting them out before separating these tainted treats from the quality ones on successive Halloweens. What are some of the worst Halloween treats to be deposited in the bags of unwilling ghouls and goblins in a couple of weeks?
Vanilla & Fruit Flavored Tootsie Rolls
â€œNormalâ€ chocolate-flavored tootsie rolls are borderline as it is when it comes to candy, but their vanilla and fruit cousins are gruesome. These treats are often fillers in the five and ten pound Halloween variety bags — little rolls of wax in vanilla, orange, cherry, and ickâ€¦lime flavors that linger in the backs of trick or treaters.
The Popcorn Ball
The popcorn ball is an individually wrapped ball of smashed together popcorn roughly four inches in diameter. The individual pieces of popcorn are kept together by a sticky syrup concoction, with some popcorn balls solidifying to the extent that they need to be bashed on concrete before consumption. Eating one of these prior to breaking it apart could dislocate a jaw, and if one manages to loosen the sugar bonds between the kernels,Â one can rarely take one or two bites before popcorn pieces are crammed between each and every tooth.
Anything with peanuts
This is a hard one, as it kicks out candy stalwarts like Snickers bars and Reeseâ€™s Cups. It also gets rid of terrible treats like Mary Janes, the generic black and orange wrapped treats that usually end up in the trash anyways. This rule eliminates some great snacks, but do you really want to be responsible for some little kid dressed up as Batman being rushed to the emergency room?
I secretly believe the dental profession subsidizes the production of Dots (and maybe the aforementioned popcorn balls). These evil red, green, and orange sugar-tinged cones (they arenâ€™t even dots!)Â are one of the stickiest, densestÂ masses known to man. They should haven been used to make re-entry tires for the space shuttle.
I know you have noting but the best in mind for your trick or treaters, Â slaving in your kitchen to create your vision of the ultimate treat. Whether itâ€™s crap like candied apples or some delicious cookies, your efforts are in vain. Â Good parents are paranoid â€“ anything you make is going to end up in the trash and leave the kids without part of their candy.`
Â Want to rip out someoneâ€™s fillings? Give them a Sugar Daddy and tell the individual to suck on it. As it warms, the caramel stick will develop a nigh invincible bond with your enemyâ€™s teeth, ripping out any and all fillings as it exits the mouth. Donâ€™t do this to innocent children.
These red spheresÂ taste sweetÂ for a couple of seconds — then, holy crap, why my mouth is onÂ fire? These balls of hate scarred me for life in my youth. I mean, candy should be sweet, or at least sweet then sour, right? The name itself invokes visions of nuclear destruction, but kids might not know what the connotation or, heck, be able to read. Â Handing these out should be child abuse, or at least a mischief misdemeanor.
Although malted milk balls lack the fiery aftertaste of Atomic Fireballs, they do perform a similar trick. These chocolate balls of doom go from sweet goodness that melts away a bitter core with the consistency of melting Styrofoam. Maybe one acquires a taste for Whoppers as they age and their palate develops, but little kids carrying around pillow cases and plastic bags pray you stick with simpler treats.
I donâ€™t believe anyone under the age of 40 eats a Wertherâ€™s Original out of choice. These hard candies (another no-no for Halloween candy) come bear the gift of a glistening gold wrapper, but unleash a butterscotch (or is it caramel) flavored candy inside. Not too bad on itâ€™s own, but butterscotch hard candy screams retirement home Texas Hold â€˜Em tournament, not Halloween.
I get it.Â You don’t want to contribute to the world’s sugar consumption or the growing obesity epidemic, so you decide to give away toothbrushes. These kidsâ€™ parents just spent $50+ on a decent costume â€“ itâ€™s a slap in the face to give away a toothbrush. Their parents can definitely afford one. If you donâ€™t want to go the candy route, at least pick something cool like comic books or cheap video gamesÂ — lord knows we all have a pile of untradeable video games lying around that some kid might play.
Anything Peppermint flavored
Peppermints are not at all bad on their own, but the moment they are mixed with a bag fill of chocolate and fruit-flavored goodies, the batch becomes invaded by the peppermint flavor and smell. Unless you like giving kids a ticking time bomb of peppermint and cherry candy, keep the mints in your pocket.
One Simple Rule
When buying your Halloween candy this year, remember this one basic rule — if you can’t walk into a convenience store and buy it, don’t give it away to costumed children that appear at your door. You’ll keep the kids happy as well as yourself, since you will be left with the remnants of your candy treasure trove.
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