Phat Camp

Shoveling heaps of greasy fast food is silently killing North Americans by making skinny people fat and fat people obese. And frankly, it’s disgusting.
Wealthy rappers with riders demanding mounds of soul food while on tour should be bitch-slapped by Tony Little. Having the means to improve their health, but not having the common sense to act on it, is like rejecting an HIV test after being shanked by a syringe. Fitness trainers make between $60,000 and $70,000 per year — a fraction of a hit rap single.

Statistics Canada reports that 29 per cent of people living outside of metropolitan areas are, by some definition, obese. I don’t care how true rappers claim to be to their upbringing, no one making millions on hit records decides to live in urban projects on food-stamp diets. Expensive liquors and exotic foods may mean baller status, but to nutritionists it’s clearer than Grey Goose; passing the Courvoisier and eating shrimp until iodine poisoning is a calorie nightmare!

Big Pun, Biggie Smalls, Fat Joe, and Heavy D have monikers that indicate their belt size, but in an industry where masculinity is your reputation, people should question whether or not obese rappers fit the bill. Diabetes, poor blood circulation, liver disease, cancer and heart failure are attributed to obesity, but I’d like to point out obesity’s affect on the libido.

There’s no fair comment on the penis size — like Cam says, “No homo” — of obese rappers, but to be honest, it’s common knowledge that obese men appear to have smaller penises. Just close your eyes and picture a naked Bizarre (of D12 fame): gnarly visual.

The American Obesity Association reports that 127 million Americans are overweight, 60 million are obese and 9 million are severely obese. The statistics are staggering and have alarmed 50 Cent, who launched a cooking competition to improve high school students’ diets in April. Surely 50, the gladiator of rappers, can offer nutritional information for his pudgy peers. I’ve made a list of obese rappers that need 50’s help.

Fat Joe
King Gordy
Double K
Chubb Rock
Biz Markie
Bone Crusher

Even more complicated than repository problems are marketing obese rappers, a nightmare for publicists that rely on a savvy juxtaposition of music and lifestyle. Sweaty, obese men gasping on stage is ugly, not to mention disappointing for glossy-eyed fans. Sex and sex appeal can sell the worst record, but squeezing a Fat Joe-sized rapper in a wife beater is fashion blasphemy.

I cannot respect obese people. Self-control is an obvious issue for obese rappers that are slaves to gluttony. Placing junkies on social thrones is never going to happen, especially in the rap industry, so why do obese rappers not catch more flak? Rap fans that love their large rappers need to speak out. If not, big legends will be made out of early deaths like Big Pun.

Jordan Chalifoux

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